An
Officiant For
Your Wedding — An
Insider’s
Guide
Author’s
note: The terms “officiant” and “minister”
are used interchangeably in this
article.
Where
to look. For couples who are members of a particular church or
synagogue, choosing an officiant for your wedding is usually not an
issue—the officiant “comes” with the church. But if
you are an interfaith couple, or are not members of an organized
religious institution but still want a spiritual orientation to your
ceremony, you may not know how or where to find a suitable officiant.
(Interestingly, even the most contemporary wedding planning books and
web sites do not usually include information about this.)
Non-denominational
ministers are found in various ways. As with any other service, a
personal referral is best. If you’ve recently been to
a wedding ceremony you particularly liked, get
the name of the officiant. Or ask friends or colleagues for their
recommendation. If a personal referral is not available, the
following are good sources: your local Yellow Pages (typically under
the heading “Churches-Non-Denominational” or “Wedding
Chapels, Ceremonies and Locations”); wedding planning web sites
(Google is a good search engine); special wedding guides or
supplements of your local newspaper (usually published in January and
June; check your local paper for dates); wedding magazines or
newsletters distributed free to bridal and tuxedo shoppes, wedding
sites, caterers, and other wedding vendors; wedding guides and
directories available in bookstores; and wedding fairs in your area.
In addition, meditation, yoga, and other centers of spiritual
practice might also be referral sources.
The
officiant’s credentials. California’s marriage law
states that, in addition to various judicial and administrative
officials, the following persons are authorized to perform wedding
ceremonies: “any priest, minister, or rabbi of any religious
denomination of the age of 18 or over.” Included under this
broad umbrella are the ministers of many non-traditional churches and
spiritual centers, which gives couples a wide range of backgrounds
and orientations from which to choose when seeking to marry outside
of an established church or synagogue. An officiant does not need to
have completed formal seminary or religious training to be legally
empowered to perform wedding ceremonies. Call your local county
courthouse if you are not sure whether the ordaining institution of a
particular officiant meets state requirements.
Unlike
a priest, minister or rabbi employed by the congregation of a
denominational church, non-denominational ministers are usually
self-employed. They set their own fees and can offer a range of
services depending on clients’ needs.
What
the officiant does. Typical services provided by the officiant
are: in-person, phone, and email consultation prior to the wedding;
writing and performing the wedding ceremony; attending and helping
supervise the wedding rehearsal (if needed); and signing and filing
the wedding license with the county. Additional services may include
pre-nuptial counseling (many officiants in the Bay Area are also licensed
marriage, family and child counselors), souvenir copies of the
ceremony text, or other post-nuptial follow-up. Typical fee range for
the Bay Area is $300-600. Some officiants may do a flexible or
sliding fee scale. Most will offer an initial consultation at no
charge.
Interviewing
the officiant. When you meet with
a prospective officiant, do treat it as a job interview, because it
is! You and your partner are the “employers” conducting
the interview. But also be prepared to answer questions from the
officiant. A conscientious officiant will want to know something
about the two of you and your relationship, and your hopes and
concerns about
marriage and your future life together.
Expectations.
What are the basics you can expect from the wedding officiant?
The same general guidelines that apply to your other wedding service
providers apply here. The officiant should be willing to: answer all
your questions; specify fees and services in writing; provide a
sample of his or her work (in most cases, this will be in the form of
a sample written
ceremony, although some may provide samples on line or on videotape);
provide names of former clients for references; offer a free initial
consultation; and be available for phone or electronic consultation
between meetings. (Some officiants may charge an additional fee for
this.)
But,
beyond the above considerations or the particular credentials and
experience an officiant might possess, the choice of an officiant
ultimately is a very personal one, based on “chemistry,”
personal style, and other intangibles.
Looking
at the intangibles. Some of the intangibles you might want to
look at are: Do you
feel comfortable talking with this person? Does he or she seem
genuinely interested in who each of you are and in hearing your
thoughts and ideas for your wedding? Is there a comfortable match
between your personal styles; e.g., formal versus informal;
traditional versus alternative; spiritual versus secular? Do you like
the sound of her or his voice (an often-overlooked but crucial
question)? Do you feel confident that this person can handle touchy
family issues with tact and discretion? Discuss these and other
intangibles with your partner before and after you meet with
a prospective officiant.
Making
the decision. Do give yourselves the time to make the choice that
feels right for you. After your initial meeting with a candidate, if
you have further questions, feel free to follow-up with a phone call.
I recommend that couples interview two or three candidates before
deciding, and to make your choice no later than three months prior to
your wedding (some officiants may require more notice than that,
depending on their calendar). Most officiants expect you to “shop
around” before deciding and will hold your wedding date open
for a specified period to allow you the time you need. As a courtesy
to each officiant, after you’ve made your choice, do notify the
other candidates of your decision.
After
choosing your officiant. Depending on how early in the process
you hired your officiant, there may be an extended period of time
between your initial consultation and your first planning meeting.
Stay in touch. It helps to schedule brief phone or email check-ins if
more than a month or two will elapse between meetings.
Creating
the ceremony with your officiant. Once upon a time, the wedding
couple didn’t have to think about the text of their wedding
ceremony—the officiant took care of that. Nowadays, increasing
numbers of couples are choosing to work with their officiant in the
creation of a more personalized wedding ceremony. In this process, a
sample ceremony, provided by the officiant or selected from another
source, is used as a starting point from which the officiant,
together with the couple, creates the customized text. Ideas for the
customized text may come from wedding books and web sites,
officiants’ samples, other weddings you’ve attended,
and/or your own imaginations. Creating a personalized wedding
ceremony should be a process of consultation and collaboration. A
good officiant will want your input, questions and frank comments on
ideas for
the text and special rituals.
But
perhaps you will choose not to have a major role in the creation of
your ceremony text. Communication with your officiant is still
important! Don’t be shy in expressing any concerns, questions
or needs you may have. A skilled officiant will welcome hearing them
and will know how to guide the process so that your ceremony will
look, sound, and feel “like you” to
you and your partner.
Reflections
of an officiant. Based on my own experiences, I have come
to liken the officiant’s role to that of a midwife. Like the
midwife, the officiant enters into the lives of two people at a
landmark moment to preside over a very intimate
and joyful event, but one that is not without stress. Because of the
nature and timing of the event, rapport and trust must be established
easily and quickly. Before this event, you and your officiant were
probably strangers to each other, and after this event, you may never
see each other again. But in between, a bond forms between you that
imparts a special warmth and grace to the special ceremony that marks
the birth of a new life together for you and your partner .
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